Spray-Tanning Tips

Tip #1: Exfoliate the skin thoroughly.

Tip #2: Always apply the sticky foot protectors to the bottoms of your feet to avoid tanning them.











Tip #3: 
Don't let the sticky foot protector fall out of your car door then drive over it and drive around town that way for 2 days.

You can't make this sh*t up.

Cloud Shapes!

Oh my GOSH is it awesome having the kids home for summer vacation!

Here's a fun game to play if you've already pressed wildflowers but haven't made home made lemonade yet!

Cloud Shapes!

Look! A poodle!

A duck!

A bunny!

Look!

See???? It's a mom!!! It's a mom considering jumping in her SUV with only a change of clothes and a vodka bottle and heading for Canada!! See..right there! There's her crazy eyes...and there's her bald spot from pulling her hair out....and right there's the kids hanging off her yelling 'MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM!' cuz that's all they ever say is 'MOM!' til you'd rather have a swarm of killer bees drill your EYEBALLS out than hear the word 'MOM!' one more time for the love of ALL THAT IS HOLY CAN'T YOU SEE IT??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Email me if you need more fun games to play.

Don't Forget Your Fud

Oh my God.

I got an email today from one of my readers who thought I should know about a new product, "GoGirl".

Seriously?

The website says it's "a Female Urination Device, or FUD."

The tagline is "Don't Take Life Sitting Down."

I.........have so many questions. Not the least of which is - Why is the canister the shape of a Pillsbury biscuit can.

So I'm guessing the FUD's target demographic is the "outdoorsy" girl? Or maybe the "huge outdoor frat party" girl?

Bethany: Brittany! I have to pee - do you have a Fud?

Brittany: Crap! I forgot my Fud! Jessica! Do you have a Fud?

Jessica: Nicole has my Fud.

And so on.

Anyway - it is available for purchase online...and before you check out, don't forget your GoGirl lip balm. I am so not kidding.

Ew.

Can't Get No Respect

What if I said to you, "I just joined the Country Club and they're going to give me my own golf locker with a shiny nameplate."

Would your response be:
"HAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"?

As it turns out, that IS the proper response.

Ladies' golf locker room:

My locker:

also:

Why you gotta do me like that, country club?

Keyword Korner: Summer Edition!

See Mr. Smiling Sun? Mr. Smiling Sun is hoping that THIS round of Google Analytics keywords will vindicate me.

Mr. Smiling Sun is sure that THIS time the list of phrases people typed into Google that landed them on my blog were things like:

"quick-witted insightful blog" and

"smart blogger slammin' body".

Pack up your things, Mr. Smiling Sun: The Bizarro Train has just pulled into the station. Shall we begin?

(Disclaimer to those who are new here: these are all actual searches that Google directed to my blog. I did not make this up.)

"butt farts come up vulva"

News flash, Sparky: those aren't butt farts.

"dos swine flu ifect my kids"

Probably not, but your lack of education might.

"my personal trainer doesn't know what he's on about"

This seems more of a "complaint" than a "search"

"fat girl"

Seriously?.... Seriously.

"boys weeners stuck in girls vergina"

Parents, get site blocking software on there ASAP or weeners in verginas are gonna be the least of your problems.

"Can Sudafed give you a drugged feeling"

Only if you ingest it.

"funny blogs organize neat girls"

Ummmmm........No.

"mommyblog Dooce make $40,000 a month"

Why do you HATE me???????

"i can see your hoo ha"

No you cannot- I do not have a webcam.

"i am slave to my goddess wife laundry clean toilet foot massage"

OK maybe my husband does read my blog.

"what does Jesus say about diet pills"

Jesus says, "None of that crap works - stop being such a lazy-ass, put down the cheese dip and get your fat ass to the gym..... Amen."

Thriller

File under: WTF?

Inmates at a Phillipines prison are... taught? forced? to perform Michael Jackson's "Thriller".

R.I.P., Michael.

If You Give a Mom a Cookie

If you give a mom a cookie.....

She'll probably ask for a glass of wine to go with it.

Then when her buzz kicks in, she'll probably eat 5 more because screw it - she's already totally blown Day One of her diet and she'll absolutely positively start tomorrow except wait- not tomorrow because tomorrow is Girls Night Out and that means lots and LOTS of wine and a high probability of calamari and mozzarella sticks - but wait - that IS protein after all - maybe even Atkins - except not the breadcrumbs - that's carbs - crap - so maybe that would be 'The Zone' which is how Jennifer Aniston got so skinny or maybe that's cuz she smokes and has a personal trainer but either way it would so suck to lose your husband to Angelina Jolie because she's got huge lips AND is bisexual and who can compete with THAT - and then the whole world feels sorry for you and takes polls on who you should be fixed up with and apparently 43% of Star Magazine readers think you should totally date Taylor Hicks which would be so depressing that you'd be better off staying home, drinking wine in a Snuggie and watching The Ghost Whisperer.....

and chances are, if you're drinking wine alone....

...you'll want a cookie to go with it.

What The Fake

Drama in the blogosphere!!!!!!!

Not one, but TWO bloggers have been exposed this week for fake "dead baby" stories that elicited sympathy, prayers and sometimes money from kind-hearted readers.

Just days after the "Little April Rose" hoax was uncovered, it became apparent yesterday that the Cynthiaa/Aiden'Bug' story was fake too.

I got sucked into that one. Left comments of support, searched Google images for blue balloons for the "balloon release in his memory"......

By my count, that's a good 6 and a half minutes that could have been spent on RobsessedPattinson.com.

So what have we learned from this.

You don't really "know" people on the internet.

How do you know this isn't me:

"Rob Pattinson is so hot.."

Lookit! How much do I love blogging in my towel-fort with my seltzer and pink satin leg-rest?

BTW my name is really Chaz.

Also: I think Kevin is the cutest Jonas.

I Guess It's Hereditary

I thought I was obsessed with Twilight.

I thought I had a pretty bad crush going on Robert Pattinson.

I underestimated the devotional love of the 8 year old.

MY 8 year old.

This video is from last night, when my husband brought home a framed Twilight poster, autographed by all the cast.

When Blog-Block Attacks

In lieu of something substantial to blog about today, I give you: the mess that is my house.

There's a Fine Line Between Shamu-ing and Prostitution

Over Memorial Day weekend, my husband's niece was raving about this book called "What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love & Marriage".

Basically, the author's point is that humans can be "trained" to do certain things and avoid bad behaviors with the same "reward" techniques used at SeaWorld. Devotees of the book call the technique "Shamu-ing".

The f*ck.

So I'm in my lounge chair by the pool, sipping a Captain Morgan & Diet and I notice my husband intently studying his Kindle. 

That mofo downloaded the Shamu book.

Anyway. So it's Memorial Day weekend, and maybe the Captain & Cokes are going down pretty smooth and all my Twilight fanfiction has updated and Saturn is in the third house with Venus rising and Mr. Happy Hour is in for - well, a happy hour.

The next morning, he goes to the grocery store (?), comes back and says, and I quote: "Look! I got you sushi!"

No lie. Sushi. Like I'm a damn sea lion.

THEN he says "Oh- and I got cash- do you need any?"

Fish. And cash. That mofo is Shamu-ing me over last night's sex.

Me: Are you SHAMU-ING me????????

Him: What? No!

Me: How much cash did you get?

Him: 400.

Me: I'll take 3.

Weekend LOL Video Dilemma

What to do, what to do.

Here's the thing.

A couple of months ago I was on a recon mission over to Dooce's blog to see what she's up to. And she had posted this video of a sleepwalking dog from YouTube.

And I've been dying to post it for your weekend LOL Video but I kept thinking if I literally copied Dooce?????? I might spontaneously combust or have my blog license revoked or maybe get one of those bizarre cases of hiccups that doesn't go away for 2 years.

I mean, as you know she is my arch-rival and nemesis. Even though she doesn't know I exist. It would be like Jennifer Aniston adopting a black child from Ethiopia.

Ah, screw it.

I give you: Bizkit the Sleepwalking Dog.

Twitter Recap

For all of you all NOT following me on Twitter...here's the Cliff Notes from the past 2 months.  So you don't have to join Twitter, and I get a blog post. Everybody wins. :)

11 y.o: "What would you do if I shot this Nerf gun at you?" Me: "Say 'ow'." Her: (shoots) Me: "OW!!!!"

11:25 AM May 21st from twhirl

Um, what? Just got a notice that my Twilight blog is #50 for anime content.

3:07 PM May 21st from twhirl

Sweet. Google Reader just recommended my other blog to me.

3:41 PM May 20th from twhirl

Vacuuming your ants may not be as permanent a solution, but definitely more fun.

3:07 PM May 19th from twhirl

No, I am NOT picturing Joe Jonas handcuffed to the wall as my slave. Jeez. http://twitpic.com/59bpj 

8:48 PM May 15th from twhirl

On laptop at daughter's dance school. Tried to open Twilight fanfiction. DE-NIED. Their internet has morals.

6:27 PM May 14th from twhirl

Going to watch last week's 'Lost'. Have special brain-focusing helmet on.

8:01 PM May 12th from twhirl

8 year old describing black actor on TV: "He was a brother."

11:25 AM May 7th from twhirl

Anybody else crushing on Steve Ward from Tough Love? I just want to strap him in my car and take him on errands.

11:02 AM May 5th from twhirl

2 kids home sick. Freedom fail.

9:13 AM May 4th from twhirl

Attention Alpha parents: If I gave a crap about your kid's homeruns/goals/MVP status I promise you i would have asked.

7:35 PM May 3rd from twhirl

If you just passed someone car-dancing like a mental patient, it was me. "The Bird" by Morris Day & The Time. Sorry.

10:12 AM May 1st from twhirl

OMG welcome new twitterer @mrsweid who is apparently only following me, Tony Robbins and Zappos shoes.

8:40 AM May 1st from twhirl

8 y.o. just felt so bad for me having to clean up dog puke that she made me a painting.

8:00 PM April 30th from twhirl

Aw, the Craigslist killer wedding is off? It was the panties collection, wasn't it.

4:47 PM April 30th from twhirl

No, Swine Flu, we will not start calling you 'H1N1'. Who do you think you are: Diddy?

8:09 PM April 28th from twhirl

No lie: Twitter just notified me that SexyBigDickLeo is following me. Not sure whether to follow back or call 911.

3:40 PM April 20th from twhirl

Fox News: Woman stabs boyfriend over Pop Tart. Yikes. Hoping toaster pastry crime doesn't make it here to the suburbs.

3:17 PM April 17th from twhirl

My dog is trying to bury his bone in a beanbag chair. Cancel that appointment with the State Police Canine Unit.

9:05 AM April 15th from twhirl

Why does Facebook feel like one giant baseball card collection.

9:04 AM March 30th from twhirl

Why I love Fox news: 'Man sentenced to jail for having sex with car wash vacuum'.

3:41 PM March 26th from twhirl

Anxiety is obviously hereditary. 8 year old is practicing her 'Stop-Drop-and-Roll'.

5:50 PM March 25th from twhirl

I'm pretty sure there's heroin in Tostidos cheese dip.

12:17 PM March 25th from twhirl

On husbands post-colonoscopy instrux: #1 Don't drive #2 Don't operate machinery #3 Don't make any big decisions.

9:43 PM March 20th from twhirl

8 year old told her school friends I said Chris Brown "is a douchebag". Don't know why the playdate offers aren't rolling in.

11:56 AM March 20th from twhirl

Told my hubs i bought him a GQ magazine. Then he sees Robert pattinson on the cover and goes "Thanks f%$kface."

3:38 PM March 19th from twhirl

How the hell tall is David Gregory??? He makes Al Roker look like an ewok.

8:15 AM March 18th from twhirl

The gym is closed on St. Patricks Day, right? (say 'right')

9:11 AM March 17th from twhirl

Gosh my body is craving antioxidants and reservatrol...oh look- red wine.

5:50 PM March 16th from twhirl

Me at daughter's dance class tonite: "Shoot! I forgot i owe them money." 8 year old: "let's make a run for it."

7:43 PM March 12th from twhirl

Bristol Palin and her babydaddy broke up. I did not see that one coming.

6:50 PM March 11th from twhirl

Does it make me officially old that I traded in my Blackberry Storm for my old flip-phone? Get off my lawn.

3:36 PM March 10th from twhirl

Chuck Norris is the real father of octomom's babies. he's all: 'BLAM! Impregnated. Times eight." (#ChuckNorrisBirthday)

2:11 PM March 10th from twhirl

Got to sleep in with sick child home today. Decided 9:30 is my natural wake-up time. Can we all work around that?

11:39 AM March 10th from twhirl

My butt just hung up on you.

11:07 AM March 6th from twhirl

If the gym doesn't start making a bigger deal about me showing up, I'm going to stop going.

1:30 PM March 5th from twhirl

I'm thinking the "Beneful" dudes? With the dogs? need to get on Match.com.

9:15 AM March 5th from twhirl

8 year old: "I thought FedEx was a fart company." 11 year old : "that's Gas-X."

8:38 PM March 3rd from twhirl

Follow me - or you won't know what I'm doing.

I Think My Personal Trainer Is Broken

OK. A few weeks ago I said to myself, "Self? It's time to lose the baby weight." and my self said, "You mean since the baby's in second grade?" and I said "Yes."

So I narrowed it down to three options.

#1 Wii Fit.







#2 Ab Roller.








 #3 Darrell

Hold your comments.

So he tells me I need to come in first for an "FMS" and I say 'What is that: Fat Mom Situation?' and he says, No, Functional Movement Screen.

So I go in and he says, "Yeah, I've seen you in better shape."

And I think briefly of saying that FMS could also mean Foot Meets Scrotum but decide against it.

But I persevere because I am awesome and a trooper. At the second session he says, "Lie on your belly" and I say "My stomach?" and he says "That's not a stomach yet."

Dude. Could a girl get some euphemisms up in here? : "We're gonna do some fine tuning"...."We're gonna take your fitness to the next level"......??????

I'm thinking a little less marine boot camp, a little more...

Why I'd Make a Sucky Stripper

So Facebook, in its never-ending quest to not leave me alone, suggested tonight that I try the "Stripper Name Generator".

So I did, and was dubbed "Jewel Tightpassion". Which to me sounds more like a Disney Pixie Hollow fairy name. 

If I really was a stripper I would pick like "Foxy Patron" (pa-trone', after the Tequila, but I can't get my keyboard to make the spanish accent mark over the 'o', which is lame - it'll only do THIS 'ø', which is really more Nordic and not stripper-y at all.)

Where was I. Oh yeah. So a kick-ass name is about as far as I get because then I'm all "Hell no I'm not wearing those shoes" because all I ever wear is flip-flops and who wants to see a stripper flap-flap-flappin' down the runway in flip-flops.. 

(is there a runway? Maybe I'm thinking of America's Next Top Model. Maybe it's just a stage and a pole - either way- you know when you're upside down on the pole that those flip-flops are falling off).

And I'd be picking songs that aren't good at all to strip to like "The Bird" by Morris Day & The Time. 

(O-wee-o-wee-o.)

Plus the buffet would totally sideline me because they'd be all: "Foxy- you're on next" and I'd be all: "I can't. I'm all bloated from eating ziti."

And I'd be fired anyway for saying "maybe later" to lap dance requests, because GOD that's a lot of effort and I never was an "extra credit" kinda girl.

Plus something about my swine flu mask "scaring the customers".

Busted.

My 8-year-old outed me on Mother's Day. To my husband. About my Twilight blog.

Christ on a cracker - can't second graders keep anything on the DL anymore?

OK, so I was a little less than forthcoming with my husband about my "other blog". But in my defense, he barely reads this blog and as we know he can't even get the title right.

Plus I'm already pushing it with Flat Edward and Action Figure Edward, so "Don't Ask- Don't Tell" seemed like the way to go regarding online tributes to obsessions with other men.

So here's how it went down.

I self-gifted myself a laptop for Mother's Day, which I opened with much fanfare and faux-surprise Sunday morning.

Husband: I set it up so your blog is your homepage.

8 y.o.: You should do her other blog too!

Me: I LOVE this card!!

Husband: What "other blog"?

Me: Who wants cinnamon rolls??

8 y.o.: "Inappropriate Twilight Obsession"!

Husband: You have a Twilight Obsession blog????????

Me: it's not really a BLOG...it's more updates on the filming of New Moon and casting news......

8 y.o.: Mommy wrote a post about the color of Robert Pattinson's eyes.

Me: OK. That's not necessary.




Note to self. 8 year olds make sucky confidantes.

Inappropriate Twilight Obsession:
"For Those Who Shouldn't Be Obsessed With Twilight. But Are."

Weekly News: Fail Edition

Holy crap- where to start. 

It's been a great week in "Fail" news. Let's start with - oh, I don't know, - the Executive branch of the government.


SENSITIVITY FAIL

"So here's the plan. We're gonna take a huge jet, followed by 2 fighter jets, and have it fly low around lower Manhattan, specifically the financial district and the Statue of Liberty."
"You mean Ground Zero?"
"Exactly."


REASSURANCE FAIL

In answer to his thoughts on Swine Flu, Joe Biden declares that he would "tell all my family not to use planes, trains or automobiles." Not sure how you get Swine Flu in your own car, but the economy really appreciates your input, Joe.

THREAT ASSESSMENT FAIL

On Tuesday, a bunch of Somali pirates headed toward a large ship intending to overtake it and and realize too late- Oh Snap- it's the French Navy. They were promptly apprehended.

PUBLICITY FAIL

Yesterday, über-hottie Megan Fox declared "Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they’re immature." Way to alienate half your fan base, Megan. No one's Googling you because of your thespian abilities.

LIBERAL PORTRAYAL FAIL

Joe the Plumber was quoted Wednesday as saying that he believes same-sex marriage should be determined by state, and that he has "several homosexual friends". But he wouldn't, you know, "let them near my children."

AMBASSADOR SELECTION FAIL

Bristol Palin was on The Today Show yesterday, apparently in her new role as Spokesperson Against Teen Pregnancy. Says Palin, "Abstinence is the only 100% foolproof method of not getting pregnant."

In related news, the National Ski Injury Association has declared that "staying in the lodge" is the the number one way to prevent ski injury or fatality.

Words I Made Up Part V

aquasedation (ahkwa-sed-ay'-shun) n.

The feeling of slipping into a coma after being in a hot tub for more than 10 minutes.

bagstitious (bag-stih'-shus) adj.

Doubting that you actually have all your bags from the Walmart checkout bag-carousel.

dandeline (dan'-dee-line) n.

The demarkation between a lawn that has weed-killer and one that doesn't.

The point in one's life where dandelions change from pretty, magical wildflowers into embarrassing badges of landscaping incompetence.

yawnglop (yawn'-glop) n.

A chain reaction of yawning that spreads from person to person.

desymptomize (dee-simp'-tom-ize) v.

The uncanny ability of children to lose all signs of sickness the moment you walk through the pediatrician's door.

Into The WarZone

Help me Jesus.

Next Friday is the "Book Launch" for the Chicken Soup for the Soul book I'm in...at the Barnes & Noble in New York City.

Never mind that to get there I have to drive through the Lincoln Tunnel, AKA 'The Claustrophic Tunnel of Doom'...but as we all know I'm heading straight for the über-cluster of Swine Flu.

Like the hero firefighter going into the burning building. OK, not at all like that, but still.

So my sister who lives in Manhattan and who has a completely normal brain totally knows me and is all: "Are you still coming?" and I'm all: "Why- cuz of the Airforce One flyby scare or the swine flu?" and she's all "Both."

Then the Chicken Soup publicist emails me and asks would I want to do an interview beforehand for CBS RADIO and had to act all "Sure I can fit that in" meanwhile I'm all "WTF - How am I supposed to sound coherent when I'm baked on valium????!!!!"

Plus- Dooce is in the book too. What is she shows up and wants to kick my ass?

Although I'm a pretty good kickboxer. I could totally take her as long as she's not tall. Her face looks like she's tall.

Anyway.

If I survive the Lincoln Tunnel, terrorist attack simulations, swine flu exposure, tangling with Dooce and accidental valium overdose, you should totally try to hear my interview on CBS radio.

Unless you're planning on calling in and being all: "Your guest sounds like she's on something - you should ask her."

Amazon ***hearts*** the Swine Flu

Actual Amazon product listing - love the review.

(No, I wasn't shopping for swine flu masks.....I still have my bird flu stock.)

				Pandemic Swine Flu First Aid and Safety Kit Offered by BP MEDICAL SUPPLIES Price: $25.00 Availability: In Stock
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:  Brilliant product, April 27, 2009 This product is one of the best purchases I have ever made. I have had it three days and haven't caught swine flu yet. 100% success rate.  Comment | Permalink

Swine Flu Preparedness

After terrorist attacks, pandemics are my second favorite disaster to worry about.

(natural disasters coming in a distant third since Pennsylvania sees few earthquakes and almost no tsunamis.)

So when they announced yesterday that this "swine flu" had pandemic capabilities I thought

#1, Gross. The only thing worse than a dirty, smelly pig is a coughing, feverish, sneezing pig and - 

#2. I don't want to die before "Twilight: New Moon" comes out.

So I said to my husband don't worry- I totally still have all my Y2K stuff like my propane stove and hand-cranked radio and he was all: "a flu pandemic won't affect the electricity." and I was all: "yeah not right AWAY..." because I've read enough Stephen King books to know that people don't become zombies until the virus mutates - then they totally organize into zombie armies and attack the power grids so the non-zombies are at a disadvantage, and the zombies don't need electricity anyway on account of they eat people raw and they have night vision.

And then he said something about antibacterial soap and common sense at which point I tuned out because I realized it was totally up to me to get a preparedness kit ready.

Which will absolutely include plastic sheeting and duct tape because everybody knows that zombie-invasion is the perfect time for a terrorist attack.

Flashback Friday Video

Oh snap.

Do I miss SOOOOOOUUUUUUULLLLLLLL Train.

We all could use a little more gold lamé.

Check it out: Let it Whip.

Gardener's Corner

First neighbors' daffodils

Second neighbors' daffodils

Third neighbors' daffodils

My daffodils

Open Letter to the Weeds

(Yes, I did post this last April. Still applies.)








April 20

Dudes. 

What the hell. 

Do we have to go through this every year? It's the first warm day of the year, I go out to my front walk and you're all: "We're here and we're ready to party". 

Didn't I make my intentions clear last year? Don't you remember the RoundUp, the WeedBGone, the weeding pail, the sweating? 

Don't you see how we keep repeating old patterns?  You show up, I kill you. You show up again, I kill you again. What part of "I will kill you" do you not understand? 

Don't you have any dignity? Quite frankly, I'm embarrassed for you. By the way, The Mulch totally agrees with me. 

So, I'd appreciate it if we could just get on with our lives.

As we used to say in sorority rush, I think you'd be happier at another house.

- Sue

p.s. do not text me.

*********************************************************

p.p.s. Go to editor & author Wendy Walker's blog for an interview with ME ! I am fascinating. Wendy is the editor of the 'Chicken Soup for the Soul: Power Moms' book I'm in, so when you're over there, pretend like I'm normal.

Haters!

My goodness.

Got a comment today from "Anonymous" on 'The Slaughter of Joe Jonas' post. Which, BTW, was back in January.

Anonymous said...

I dont get da joke.....?? u know wat joe and edward r f'kn hor yr just another hater!!!  U know wat go get a freakin life nd da pl dat think its funny.......... 

APRIL 16, 2009 1:58 PM 

OK.  What I THINK that says is:

"I don't get the joke. You know what? Joe and Edward are f%*kin' hot - you're just another hater!! You know what? Go get a freakin' life and the people that think it's funny."  (that's you guys)

Dear Anonymous,

  Settle down. You know what?  I'm going to guess that this is your first time here.   

If you would kindly go back and read the archives you would come to see that we are, in fact, sisters in our love for Joe and Edward and their f%*kin' hotness. Ask "da pl dat think its funny"- they'll tell you.

I can understand your outrage at seeing a photo of Flat Joe's head ripped to bits then Flat Edward's sub-par cranium size.......but I assure you it was not my doing.

OK the pea head was, but only because my depth perception at Kinko's was off. I regret it to this day. 

Please. Can't we all just get along?

-HHS

More News I Don't Understand

Sooooooo..........there's this protesting going on today..........and it's called a Tea Party. Only it doesn't look like a FUN party.....and there's no actual TEA involved...like THIS Tea Party..












But it's all over Twitter, and people are using topic tags ("hashtags") to discuss it, including #teaparty,  #teabaggers and #teabagging.

Now.

I am not a political analyst....and I can't even say I'm completely on top of current events.

But dude, I know what teabagging is. And I feel confident in saying it has little or nothing to do with taxes.

And just for future Twitter discussions? You might also want to avoid #saladtossing, #pearlnecklace, #daisychain, and #shocker.

(Mom, don't look those up. Google is broken today.)

Wordless Wednesday

Back from Arizona!

Hey peeps! Missed you guys...I stayed off the computer for a whole week: and lived.

No blogging, Twitter, Facebook, email, Gmail, YouTube, Google, smutty Twilight fanfic, or Fox News.

Sorry I didn't schedule posts ahead of time or line up an awesome guest-poster but...well, I'm just not that organized.

So you'll be super-impressed that I flew from Philly to Arizona and back without a single panic attack due to my superior self-medicating skillz:

I honestly don't remember going through security because my drug and alcohol regime begins on the drive to the airport, but my husband tells me I got singled out and patted down. 

Hmmmm. Wonder if my "Terrorist Do's and Don'ts " post put me on some sort of watch list. Which would be excellent, as we know, in keeping with my plan to get Michelle Obama to read my blog.

Anyhoo, the whole sedated-like-I've-been-shot-with-an-elephant-tranquilizer thing is really working for me....with one tiny possible problem.

If we crashed but survived?.... like the Hudson plane? I might not be totally on top of the situation.

Stewardess: MA'AM! We have to evacuate NOW!

Me: THAT was a rough landing.

Stewardess: MA'AM! This is an emergency evacuation! You have to get out of the plane!

Me: I ordered a screwdriver like 20 minutes ago. And peanuts.

Stewardess: MA'AM you have to get out now!

Me: Hold up...My flip-flops are waaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy under this dude's seat.

Miracle Plane Crash: 147 Survivors, 1 Missing

Terrorist Do's and Don'ts

Listen. There is nothing funny about terrorist threats.

And today on the front page of Fox News (Yes, Fox News: Because, as I've told you, I need immediate notification of A) security threats and B) women who deliver babies into their sweatpants ) they reported that Baitullah Mehsud, commander of the Taliban in Pakistan, has declared that he is going to mastermind an attack on Washington "that will amaze the world".

As I said, not funny.

But. THIS is the picture they ran with the article.

I promise this is not an April Fools post.

Um....where to begin.

Baitullah, Baitullah, Baitullah....

WHEN THREATENING THE MOST POWERFUL NATION IN THE WORLD:

DO: Spend a little extra on a good conditioner. If your curls aren't shiny and bouncy, you'll just come off looking like a rastafarian poodle.

DON'T: Rock a tired old "bad guy" bandana. It screams 'amatuer' and just reminds us of Michael Jackson.

DON'T: Wear a hat that looks like an apple pie. In fact, all pastry-themed headgear is decidedly unscary.

Yanni hair-havin', Mrs. Smith's apple pie hat-wearin', cartoon bank-robber scarf-rockin' mofo...

Post Mortem Dating Rules

So yesterday I was at my daughter's soccer game, and there was a Dad there with his new second wife and she was like 26. And pretty. And word has it she was a professional cheerleader.

So I decided I needed to have a serious talk with my husband.

Me: If I die, I don't want you to marry a cheerleader.

Husband: What?

Me: Or a model or a Hooters girl.

Husband: Are you planning on dying soon?

Me: I could die in a fiery car crash tomorrow. You need to lay these things out. Kind of like a will.

Husband: Except instead of giving things away, you're taking things away.

Me: She can't be prettier, or younger, or skinnier than me.

Husband: Can she cook better?

Me: (thinking....) Sure.

Husband: Better housekeeper, more organized, budget-conscious?

Me: I have no problem with that. Oh! And she can't have a blog.

Husband: Oh, damn.

Me: Well, unless it was like a cooking blog.

Husband: Gotcha. So someone fat, old and unattractive who can cook.

Me: Yes. And you can't go out with our friends.

Husband: What, me and Mrs. Doubtfire can't have a social life?

Me: No. And I want a big oil painting of me over the mantle.

Husband: What if you just sustain massive injuries in the crash that require years of rehabilitation and I have to take care of you in addition to my job...then can I date a cheerleader?

Me: An old, fat cheerleader.

Husband: Deal.

Trippy Video

This is why I love YouTube.

"Natural Hallucinogen"

More Spam Love

From my spam inbox:

Edith

show details Mar 23 (1 day ago)

Reply

Hello,

How are you today? I hope you are fine. If so thank be to God  almigthy.
please excuse me, I saw your contact email while browsing through the internet so I decided to contact you despite that I
have not seen you in person.  My name is Edith,  23 years from Democratic Republic Of Congo in Central Africa. I am single girl looking for honest and nice person. Somebody who care and fear God whom I can partner with. I don't care about your colour or ethnicity.

I would like to know you more, most especially what you like and what you
dislike.I'm sending you this beautiful mail, with a wish for much happiness.
Thanks and God bless.


Love from,
 Edith Patrick

Reply

Forward

Dear Edith,

    Thank be to God almighty that you found my email address. You won't believe this, but I AM honest AND nice person AND I care and fear God. That's 4 for 4. What are the odds.

I'm a little fuzzy on the whole "partnering with" thing, so if you could be a little more specific I would be thankful to God.

So! On to my "likes and dislikes".

Likes: sleeping, mojitos, valet parking, disco rollerskating, snow days (because of the sleeping), pedicure chairs that have that massage button, cool ranch Doritos, skorts, Robert Pattinson's jawline, the Electric Slide, pistachio nuts, self-tanner, those mascot guys that restaurants hire to wave at traffic, The Outback's chopped salad, EZ Pass, people who sing alone in their cars, Drambuie, really large hoop earrings, xanax, the Geek Squad, cold chardonnay, and the Swiffer mariachi guys.

Dislikes: Good n' Plenty, ants, brain freeze, people who catch you singing alone in your car, historical fiction, sesame seeds, when your arm falls asleep in the middle of the night, Celine Dion, Harry Potter, figs, cruisewear, and that beginning part of the car wash where you have to line up your tire.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks be to God almighty.

Happy Hour Sue

Bathtub Gangsta Meets Action Figure Edward Cullen

BG: Yo. What happened to you, G?
AFE: What. I must find Bella.
BG: You used to be taller, yo. For realz.

AFE: That's Flat Edward.
I'm Action Figure Edward.

BG: My bad...my bad.
But don't be frontin', G... What 'action'.

AFE: I love passionately.
Protect fiercely.
Brood a lot.

BG: Chillax, son. I am here to hook a brotha up.

BG: Check it, Cuz: Bratz with benefits.

AFE: Tell Bella I'm playing golf.

It Costs A Lot Of Money To Have Hair This Natural

I started coloring my hair blond when I was 18.

No- scratch that- 16- if you count "Sun-In" and lemon juice. Which always left me looking like Scott Peterson in his "about-to-make-a-run-for-it" days.

So once I got to college I upgraded to "Nice N' Easy" from the local drugstore. Hoping for the "Corn Silk Blonde" promised on the box, but ending up with "Trailer Trash Rust".

Once I graduated and started making some bank I said that's it- time for the big leagues - the Superbowl of haircoloring: The FULL FOIL HIGHLIGHT.

Yes. You look temporarily like you could bring in TV signals from Dubai.

And yes. It's ridiculously expensive.

But you say Hey: It's totally worth every penny because my hair is the blonde I always wanted... and it's natural-looking....and after all these years I finally can pass for being born this way....and you continue on with with the Magical Foils for years and years....and then one day your six year old says,

"Look, Mommy! I drew a picture of you!"

Foil highlight: $120
Tip: $25
Kid callin' it like it is: Priceless.

St. Patrick's Day Back in the Day

So let's say, hypothetically, you were bartending one night, and some corporate dudes from Baileys Irish Cream came and sat at your bar.

And let's say they asked if you wanted to hand out Bailey's shots and stickers on St. Patrick's Day at a bunch of bars.

And they'd pay you $500 plus free limo for the night.

Would the most important question be:

A) Is the $500 tax free

B) When does the shift begin and end

C) What time will the limo pick me up

or

D) Do I have to wear any kind of ridiculously over-sized headgear.

***Happy St. Patricks Day****

Who Wants More "Keyword Korner"?

Once again, it's time for me to share some phrases ("keywords") that my Google Analytics report says landed Googlers on my blog.

As always, I did not make this up.


"bacon boy anecdote"

No, no, I've told that one too many times and bacon boy gets upset.


"fat legged hotties"

I swear to God, Google, I've had it with the  "fat" traffic. But. Thanks for the "hottie" thing.


"gyn and annual and finger and butt"

First of all, you don't need the "and"s. Secondly, just make the appointment you weenie.


"Edward Cullen Joe Jonas happy meal drinking mom"

Well - OK - but you could just bookmark my site or subscribe.


"happy meals and ghosts don't have sex"

I'm going to......agree with you on that.


"does Sudafed brings forward the periode"

Um, sorry to tell ya, nothing brings forward the 'periode' except non-pregnancy.


"to-do list by the hour"

OK, you SO have the wrong girl.


"I'm a gangster and I can't keep the streets happy"

Obviously that one was meant for BG. I'll pass on your concern.


"Dooce Robert Pattinson"

Don't even.


"politically incorrect Play-doh"

I think that's cuz of Gangsta Mr. Bill:













Stupid? Sure. Offensive? I think not.

Why The Irish Are Awesome

I know this is gonna shock you guys, but - I'm Irish.

(!!)

As in, my Dad came to the States when he was 26-Irish.

(Don't adjust your computer monitor. Our skin is supposed to be that pale.)


We Americans think we take our partying seriously. We are strictly JV, people. The travel team is over there on the Emerald Isle.

One Sunday when my Dad and his friends were stuck in traffic, they asked the cop who was in charge of directing the traffic where a certain pub was.

After a few frustrating minutes of trying to explain, the cop said, "Ah hell- move over- I'll just go with ya." and left the traffic snarl to fend for itself.

Seriously. That is some prioritizing right there.

(Pubs were closed on Sundays, BTW...everyone knows you just go around and ring the side door bell.)

But my favorite is the "bona fide pubs".

Back in the day, when the pubs closed for the night, you could still get a drink at a "bona fide" pub. But there was a catch.

The bona fides were supposed to be only for 'The Weary Traveler". The rules were, only those who were "in the course of a journey"were allowed. And you had to have traveled 5 miles from where you slept.

So, my Dad and his buddies would close down one pub, hop in a car, drive 5 miles to a bona fide pub where the bouncer would come out:

Bouncer: "Bona fide?"

Dad & crew: "Bona fide."

Bouncer: "Come on in."

It's the thought that counts.

Typical Sunday Morning

So apparently when my husband went to take the dogs out this morning, there was an issue.

He walked down the staircase, calling the dogs after him when suddenly

TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-THUD.

The 90 lb. puppy lands at the bottom looking panicked up at the landing at something that obviously freaked him so badly that he had a Class A- spazz-out.

My husband looks up and sees THIS:

Unbeknownst to anyone, my 8-year-old tied Happy Birthday balloons to the Guard Poodle's collar last night and she had to sleep that way.

I don't play that - for realz.

In Case You Missed It: Nugget 911

Listen up, McDonalds: When a girl wants her McNuggets, you better damn well hand over the McNuggets.

Miss Latreasa Goodman of Florida, called 911 three times on Tuesday because McDonalds ran out of McNuggets. I am so not making this up.

To quote Ms. Goodman, "This is an emergency." Word.

Here are a few other actual 911 "emergencies" on record:

How do I cook a turkey

Suspicious egg carton on the porch

Request to dispatch helicopter to retrieve son's turtle balloon

State park bathrooms need more toilet paper

Leaves in yard are too big

How many shots of tequila can i have and still drive?

The cocaine I bought is not good quality

Anyway. This is for you, Latreasa Goodman: I hear ya, sister.

What You're Missing Not Following Me on Twitter

Show of Hands: Who's following me on Twitter?

Who has heard of Twitter but isn't sure what it is?

Whoa.

I am so gonna hook you up with the most pointless, fun, time-suck ever.

Twitter is a free social-networking application where you type in little thoughts or observations in 140 characters or less.

You can follow 5 people or 5000 people. You can follow real friends, bloggy friends or celebrities.

And you can reply to the things people say! It's fantabulous.

How have you made it through your day without insightful, educational tidbits like THESE:


HappyHourSueSo...I've rented the carpet cleaner machine....when do the little elves pop out?about 4 hours ago from twhirl

HappyHourSueSaw Tyson Beckford on the Today Show. He's so gorgeous he's like another species. "Hello, Earthlings, I'm from Planet Fine-Ass."about 4 hours ago from twhirl

HappyHourSueNote to self: wearing your tubing ticket on your jacket is not as hot as wearing a ski ticket.
2:01 PM Mar 1st from twhirl
HappyHourSueIf you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.10:16 AM Feb 27th from twhirl
HappyHourSueI am so over my Joe Jonas crush. I'm just getting to the 3D movie an hour early in case of a glasses shortage.10:06 AM Feb 27th from twhirl
HappyHourSueOK, time for LOST.....more Sawyer, less time travel, please.9:01 PM Feb 25th from twhirl
HappyHourSueSo...most people don't worry about their dog burning their nose on the stovetop? http://twitpic.com/1oxt65:02 PM Feb 25th from twhirl
HappyHourSueMake up your mind, health community: is a drink a day good or bad???? I'm all: Yes! Shit. Yes! Shit.11:37 AM Feb 25th from twhirl
HappyHourSue**whew** that was fun -just got done with Rob P. :http://twitpic.com/1lg35 5:32 PM Feb 20th from twhirl
HappyHourSueMe to 11 y.o.: "Try these! They're apple chips! They're delish!" Her:"Mom. I'm allergic to apples." Me: "Oh yeah." Her: "You're my MOM."6:37 PM Feb 17th from twhirl
HappyHourSueI wish I had scandalous photos to worry about Facebook publishing.2:52 PM Feb 16th from twhirl
HappyHourSueIn honor of Presidents' Day, I think I shouldn't cook tonight. Day of rest. Or something.2:30 PM Feb 16th from twhirl
HappyHourSueI got lapped by an old man while running on the YMCA track today. I mean, waistband-up-to-the-nipples old.4:13 PM Feb 12th from twhirl
HappyHourSueSo what - I'm still a rock star.4:30 PM Feb 5th from twhirl
HappyHourSueEvery day should be 2-hour school delay. 6am blows moose.11:28 AM Jan 29th from twhirl
HappyHourSueSorry- that was inappropriate.11:28 AM Jan 29th from twhirl
HappyHourSueI have my suspicions that Obama really can dance but puts on the White Man Overbite to not freak everybody out.10:20 AM Jan 21st from twhirl
HappyHourSueCan you imagine if he just busted out all Usher on everyone's ass?10:28 AM Jan 21st from twhirl
HappyHourSueOh God- US Air plane crashed into the Hudson?4:08 PM Jan 15th from twhirl
HappyHourSueSee? Twitter kicks Facebook ass in a crisis.4:45 PM Jan 15th from twhirl
HappyHourSueFacebook would be all "Happy Hour Sue sent you a piece of flair that says 'what's going on with the plane crash?'4:49 PM Jan 15th from twhirl    Come on...click the birdie.....
anybody who's still having trouble getting it, just email me - I'm a super-awesome enabler.




Speed up your PC

Thank God for Annette Bening

Calm down, everyone.

  










Annete Bening is in Iran right now working on US-Iranian relations.

I'm not making this up.

We should have this mess all squared away in no time. She's Annette-freakin'-Bening, for God's sake.

In related news, Zac Efron is conducting talks with Kim Jong Il in North Korea,












And the Real Housewives of Orange County are in economic discussions with China.

Diet Tips from Jesus

Jesus: So! How's that New Year's "resolution" going?

Me: What? Oh- great. Really great.

Jesus: Really.

Me: Totally. I mean, I haven't lost any weight YET, but, you know, I'm going to.

Jesus: I'm here to help. Remember how I performed that miracle turning water into wine?

Me: Yes...YES!!!!! You're here to make me skinny!!!!

Jesus: No. I'm turning all your wine into water.

Me: WHAT??!! That's not necessary.

Jesus: Yes. Alcohol makes you bloated. Water is cleansing.

Me: Wait. Wait. What about.....turn my cookies into carrots.

Jesus: No.

Me: Bread into broccoli.

Jesus: No.

Me: Spaghetti into spinach.

Jesus: No. drink your water. You'll thank me later.

Me: I still have vodka, you know.....unless....

Jesus: V8.

Me: crap.

This Is No Way To Run a Blog

So last night was The Oscars, and my friend Jen from The Daily Mish Mash was hosting a Twitter party. (go there to see more party details from last night).

Everybody watches the show together, while on Twitter, and talk about people's outfits, what a douche Ryan Seacrest is, etc. etc.

Only I don't own a LAPTOP, so in order to watch TV and be online simultaneously, I have to lug my ginormous desktop Dharma Initiative computer out of my office, across the house, and into the family room.

















Even the dogs are embarrassed.

I guarantee you Dooce does not have her Christmas lights extension cord sprawled about her living room. 1994 called. they want their technology back.

I suppose I could have borrowed my husband's laptop, but then if he went through history, he could see I was typing things like

"Where is Robert Pattinson"

"Why isn't there a RobCam"

"There he is jfkdkjg;ldfg;'gh;l'j';k"

And I'm not alone, BTW.

After he presented, my 8-year-old daughter got right up and wrote a fan letter (as 8 year olds are wont to do) proclaiming: "I would jump off a cliff for you."

I'm with ya, sister.

Cancel Our Newlywed Game Appearance

We are SO not winning the washer/dryer.

This is an actual exchange last night between me and my husband of 12 years:


Husband: Hey, guess what - you know our realtor, Geena? She has a blog!

Me: Cool.

Husband: Hers is called "Geenablog".com. You should call yours 'Sueblog'.

Me: Well I can't NOW.. everyone already knows the name.

Husband: What is it - "Happy... Hour... Meals"?

8 Year Old: DAD. "Happy Meals & Happy Hour".

Husband: Yeah, that's too long.

Me: Other people seem to remember it.

Husband: How about just "Sue.com"

Me: First of all, no. Second of all, it would sound like I was copying Dooce.

Husband: Who's Dooce.

Me: That really popular blogger who's in the book with me?

Husband: You're in a book?"


I swear to God, people.

Edward would SO know I was in a book.

"33 more days til Sue's book comes out..."

Who Let ME In?????

I'm not sure how this happened, but I'm going to be in a book. (!!??)

I'm just telling you guys, but keep it on the DL, cuz as soon as they realize their mistake they're gonna be all: "STOP THE PRESSES! (rip....rip....rip.....rip.....)".

It's the next "Chicken Soup for the Soul" book and it comes out in March - but here's the really exciting part:

Guess who ELSE is contributing.  Jodi Picoult,











Jillian Barberie Reynolds (you know, NutriSystem bikini girl)

Lynne Spears

Melora Hardin (Jan from 'The Office')

and.........

Dooce.

Jesus Christ on a Segway, can't I have my moment?

Please Don't Bedazzle Your Hoo-Ha

First, I want to thank the 340 awesome readers who took the Pop Quiz!!!!!!! Most of you rocked it- I'm so proud.

A few of you were obviously smokin' a doob behind the school before you came to class, but that's cool.

I'd like to give a special shout-out to the lurkers - I know that was a tough moment when the quiz asked for your name. So thank you to M, c, k, t, T, jq, b, D&P, a, f, k, a, A, k, l, s, HG, c, n, x, k, D, n, me, moi, don't know, lurker, and hmmmm.

Also? The number of you that thought my dream job was "zookeeper" was HI-larious.

Now, on to the bedazzling.

It has come to my attention that there is a growing trend towards blinging the girly-wallet.

What the French.

For Valentines Day, I learned, you can have a full Brazilian wax, then it's spray-painted gold and adorned with Swarovski crystals.












Girls, please. This is the female equivalent of the guy who hires the sky-writing plane for Valentines Day. You're just making the rest of us look bad.  (Literally.)

The last thing we moms need is our husbands asking for a tricked-out va-jay-jay.  My husband's lucky if I change my razor cartridges.

You'll understand, sassy single girls, when you're a mom - ain't no way it's making the To-Do list.

cupcakes for class party
L. orthodontist
drycleaning
bank deposit
soccer parents meeting
embellish genitals with crystals
grocery store

Pop Quiz

Everyone, please put your books under your desks, it's time for a pop quiz.

Pop Quiz 1) The Bathtub Gangsta was originally found On a shelf at Walmart on vacation in the sand floating in the tub with the girl dolls in a bag of donated toys

Powered By: QUIZYOURFRIENDS.com Make A Quiz - Take This Quiz - View Scoreboard

Are You Talking To Me?

Here's how you know this is not a picture of me.

See the little love-bugs playing nicely with their teddy bears in  the background? And see Mommy having a pleasant uninterrupted conversation?

Look at the serene yet engaged look on Mommy's face. Mommy is having a meaningful dialogue with another adult, which makes her happy.

Here is a transcript of MY typical phone conversation:


Caller: So what did the doctor say?

Me: He said NO! NO! PUT THAT DOWN! GIVE IT - GIVE IT - GIVE IT TO ME.

Caller: Uh....

Me: Sorry. He said NO SHARPIES! NO! USE SOMETHING ELSE. THERE'S OTHER MARKERS.

Caller: He...what?

Me: I'm sorry. He wants me to have a cardiogram.

Caller: Wow- do you want me to take you?

Me: NO YOU CANNOT. NO. I'M ON THE PHONE. I-AM-ON-THE-PHONE. Sorry.

Caller: It's Ok..you wanna call me later?

Me: No, no.. NO! DAMMIT, GET AWAY FROM HER - GIVE IT BACK.

Caller: So is he concerned..or....

Me: He thinks it's probably just stress.

Caller: Huh. Do you feel stressed about something?

Me: STOP. DON'T POUR THAT - IT'S TOO FULL- DAMMIT!!!! (sigh) No, I really can't think why I'd be stressed.

Caller: Weird.

Me: I know.

Fairy Names

So my two girls, ages 11 and 8, are all into this new online Disney game "Pixie Hollow"...about Fairies.

And I'm cracking up as I hear them talk about the fairy names that the game assigns to the players.

"Quicksilver Mangolashes".

"Nutmeg Bubblefeather".

"Cupcake Frostyboots".

I don't know why I find this so hilarious. It either reminds me of Native American stripper names or vagrants under the I-95 overpass.

Also? You "pay" for things with snowflakes or blueberries.

And if you're displeased with another player you have to use the default epithet: "Jingles to you!"

Naturally, I made up my own fairy name, "Margarita FoxMuffin", and my husband is now "AbRoller CrankyPants".

Husband: Could you stop now? It's really not that funny.

Me: It is SO funny. And you owe me 3 snowflakes.

Husband: I'm going to the gym.

Me: Jingles to you.

Wordless Wednesday

I'm not usually a Wordless Wednesday participator, but I had to share these two touching things with you guys:

First my bloggy friend and BlogHer '09 roommate Lisalicious sent me this:

Then this morning my mom sent me this video:

Nonverbal Cues of the North American Male

(this was the scene in my office this morning:)

Observe how the male of the species will gather and deposit his dirty laundry (Fig.A) on the computer chair of the female.


Often this is a sign of aggression towards the female's other pastime (Fig. B).


It is also probable that the male was provoked by the presence of another, younger Alpha male (Fig. C).

Now observe the female's higher-functioning brain, and her ability to procure a second chair (Fig. D), thus leaving the male's laundry aside.





Finally, having accomplished all her tasks, the female will then travel to the male's workspace and leave a mark of her own.

The Slaughter of Joe Jonas

Well, I suppose this was bound to happen....

Either my husband or the new puppy was going to rip Flat Joe's head off sooner or later.

But, in the words of "The Million Dollar Man"....(where the word "bionic" originated, youngsters...)

We can make him better than he was.

Better.

Stronger.

Faster.

Hotter. (Ok, I added that)

Um, I think I should have gone up like 20% more in head size at Kinkos.








Not so much Flat Edward as Pea-Head Edward.

He reminds me of this guy from Beetlejuice:

Fat?

This makes me mental.

Fox News is running this photo of Jessica Simpson today with the headline:

"Jessica Simpson Shocks Fans With Fuller Figure!"

OK. First, why am I reading Fox News. The answer to that is twofold.

Number one, I need to be on top of any and all terror threats.

Number two, CNN probably won't report on the woman who gave birth into her sweatpants, which is probably my favorite Fox news story of all time.

But back to Jessica. Perez Hilton claims: "Jess got fat!" Is this fat? Really? You're going to show this to someone who doesn't know celebrities and ask them what they think and they're gonna say "I don't know- it's some fat girl"???????

Badonkadonk
<------------

Look- the high-waisted jean is really not meant for us curvy girls, for sure. When you have big boobs, you don't want to shorten the distance between waistband and underwire.

But it's just a poor fashion choice, people.

It's not like she caught the Fat Virus . (!) Did you read about this yesterday?????

Scientists are claiming you can "catch" fatness the same way you catch a cold. Bizarre, but I'm all for new excuses.

I'm not eating too much.... Someone sneezed on me.

Angels Among Us

(Do you know how hard it is to find a non-smarmy angel graphic? This is the best one, and it's standing on bubbles.)

OK, can we talk about the US Airways crash into the Hudson?

First of all, mad props to the hero pilot, "Sully" Sullenberger for a textbook perfect emergency landing.....

But I have to think there was SOME sort of divine intervention here, don't you?

When I told my 11 year old she said, "It probably was a guardian angel."

Which gave me chills because she herself was saved by some sort of intervention when she was 1 year old.

I am a Conehead....







Seriously, though- this is her at 1, in our condo in Connecticut. When you came in the front door, there was a stone floor landing, then 15 steep, narrow steps up to the foyer. Obviously, we had a baby gate at the top of the steps.

One morning, I was playing with her on the living room floor after a very sleepless night (she was waking 3-4 times a night).

The doorbell rang and I went to get it- a very large box from UPS. I left the baby gate that guarded the stairs open as I set the box down in the other room, because my hands were full.

Forgetting the gate, I went back to my daughter, lay down with her on the floor and eventually drifted asleep. I mean a deep, dreaming sleep. I was exhausted.

The next thing I heard startled me awake like a fire alarm: a loud, audible voice shouting, "WAKE UP!!!"

My first thought as I jumped up was "Who the hell is in the house???"

The I realized- my baby girl was not in the room.

I ran to the front hall and there she was: standing precariously at the head of the stairs. I grabbed her just in time.

It wasn't a dream, it wasn't a "sense" that I should wake up: it was somebody who deliberately jolted me awake because my baby was seconds away from falling 15 steps down to a stone floor.

I can never prove it, but I absolutely know it - and I'll be forever grateful to whoever it was.

Have you ever had a guardian angel experience?

Another Brilliant Invention

This is Diesel.

Slayer of Webkinz.

Drinker of Toilet Water.

And, unfortunately, Flatulator Extraordinaire.

I swear, I only feed him puppy chow. But Lord, you'd think he was subsisting on Taco Bell.

So here's my invention: The Portable Collar Deodorizer. (PCD)

STEP 1: Equip canine with PCD.

STEP 2: (in event of flatulence) IDENTIFY OFFENDER.

STEP 3:
RETRIEVE PCD.

STEP 4: DEPLOY DEODORIZER.

STEP 5: (if threat is contained) RETURN PCD TO HOLSTER.

Don't EVEN try to copy my invention because I've already called 800 number for my Inventor's Kit.

The PCD. Making Home Air Breathable...One Fart at a Time.

Paging Dr. Happy Hour....

(Editor's note: I know. Right now you're like "wait-is that a photograph of a doctor's outfit or did she actually draw that?" It's a gift. I really should forget this whole blogging thing and just concentrate on my art career.)

Anyhoo.

More fun with bizarre emails: A few days ago I got this:

Dr. Geoffrey Rutledge MD, PhD  to me

show details Jan 16 (3 days ago)

Reply

Hi HappyHourSue,

I was searching online for the best health bloggers when I discovered your blog athappymealsandhappyhour.blogspot.com. I want to tell you I think your writing is great. My name is Dr. Geoff Rutledge, and I've taught and practiced Internal and Emergency Medicine for over 25 years at Harvard and Stanford medical schools. I'm also the Chief Medical Information Officer at Wellsphere (www.wellsphere.com), where we are building a network of the web’s leading health bloggers -- and I think you would be a great addition.

___________________________________________________________________


Dear Dr. Ruttledge,
     I would be honored to be a part of the world's leading health bloggers. Obviously, my credentials speak for themselves. As you know from my writings, I feel that health is a very good thing and sickness...not so much.
     I accept your invitation. 


     p.s. If no one else has called dibs, I'd like to be referred to as "McFoxy". 
      p.p.s. Can I get one of those prescription pads?

PMS Warning

I get a lot of emails about products and services that someone thinks "would be of interest to your readers".

Yeah, I'm not gonna blog about skin cream or educational videos or meeting planners or kits that teach senior citizens to use the internet.

But. Yesterday I got an anonymous comment about what could be the greatest invention in 2009.







PMS Buddy is a free online notification service that warns boyfriends/husbands or other loved ones of upcoming PMS danger from the women in their lives.

You can enter up to five women's cycle dates and it sends you warning emails, complete with threat level. 

How awesome is that.

I am so signing myself up for myself.

Because EVERY MONTH I get all puffy and gain weight and EVERY MONTH I'm all "What the hell?  Why don't these pants fit??!!!"

EVERY MONTH I crave salty food and eat junk food like it's my job and EVERY MONTH I'm all "What is WRONG with me? Why am I eating this crap?"

EVERY MONTH I wonder "Why is everyone around me bugging the living crap out of me?"

It's like PMS Alzheimers.

So NOW I'll get a friendly reminder and I can totally avoid myself during that time.

Super Sunday

The drama has already started at my house 

regarding this Sunday's face-off.

No, not football.  

HBO's "Big Love" and Showtime's "The L Word".....

BOTH Season premieres...are on at the same time.

If you ask my husband, Big Love is the apex of cable-television viewing. 

Do not get him started about Big Love. Especially if you don't watch the show. Because he will try and sell you with detailed episode recaps til you just wish you had stayed home.

Big Love is the crown jewel of his Y chromosome pay-cable trifecta, rounded out with Entourage and Californication.

While I enjoy Big Love, I ***Puffy Heart*** The L Word. I love it, love it, love it.

The L Word girls are all gorgeous and glamorous and they have fabulous jobs but still have time to lounge around in cafes sipping lattes and they're so.........so.........so........
not washing anybody's socks.

By the way, the irony has not escaped me that his show is about über-heterosexuality to the third power, and my show is completely void of men.

I do rethink polygamy now and then, though,  when I see the Big Love wives all getting nights off from cooking and cleaning.  I might be able to get behind that program.

If I did, here would be my requirements for my 'sister wives':

#1) You can't be skinnier than me.

#2) You have to love drinking & dancing.

#3) You should be reasonably obsessed with Twilight.

#4) Sunday nights: Showtime, The L Word.

Sign-ups start today. :)

Not the Monday I'd Planned

Here's where I'm supposed to be right now:

At "Healing Hands Massage". Using the gift card I got LAST Christmas.

Yup, right about now, the masseuse would be quietly leaving the room, and telling me in that whispery-masseuse voice to take my time getting dressed......

....and then you have that fuzzy moment where you wonder if anyone would really notice if you just slept here for awhile.....

.....and you sit up and look in the little mirror on the back of the door and your hair is all oily and massage table-head-y. And you have the worst pillow-face ever.

But it doesn't matter because you're all floaty and spacey.

Yeah. that's not where I am, though.

At 6am my tween refused to get up for school, clutching her stomach in pain/not-pain/whatever. OK. Stay home.

Stepson pulled the rare but deadly 'back-to-sleep" maneuver, causing him to be late for school.

8 year old with extreme Anxiety Disorder dutifully took her baby valium in preparation for the 9:30 cavity-filling appointment.

Arrived at the dentist, where she proceeded to scream, thrash, and clamp her hand over her mouth so the dentist couldn't get to her teeth. Finally, under threat of hospitalization, she let them give her nitrous oxide, which backfired and made her hallucinate "that the dentist was trying to kill me".

Left dentist without getting cavity filled, and halfway home she pukes in the car.

Phonecall from the tween that "the dogs ran through the mud and got it all over the carpets. Upstairs and downstairs."

Yup. That sounds more like my life. And I wouldn't mind a little nitrous oxide myself.

My West African Store

THIS is the coolest thing ever.

Through Kiva, I lend $25 to, say, Antoinette Worou from West Africa for her general store. (which i did.)

She buys more supplies, makes a profit and pays me back the $25.

I've helped a hard-working woman entrepreneur from a third world country better her business, which in turn gives her kids a better life and education, for ZERO DOLLARS.

My dad and my sister have been doing Kiva for a little over a year and they always get paid back. They choose to then reinvest in a new business owner, but you don't have to.

(Stop looking at Robert Pattinson over there and focus.)

How cool is that? You choose who you want to loan to...

Maria's roadside fruit business in Peru...

Ana Maria's house-repair business in Nicaragua...

Felicitas from Peru who has 9 kids and a clothing business (obviously)

I just love it - especially now when the economy sucks and no one feels they can afford to donate to charities - you're still doing a great thing, but you can be repaid if you choose!!!!

Anyway- if you're interested, Intel is sponsoring the Small Things Challenge  , an awareness campaign that even the smallest effort on the part of one person can effect a huge change in someone's life.

Just go to that link - They are sponsoring both Kiva and Save the Children. (I clicked on "join the Intel group" at Kiva - that takes you to the gallery of business owners who need loans.)

Loan to a hardworking person in need: $25
Amount you get paid back: $25
Total money spent: $0
Doing a good thing AND being able to say you invested in a goat farm: Priceless.

Botany 101

It's not that this stuff doesn't happen at other people's houses.

It's just that it's WAY more likely to happen at my house.


Last night I was tucking the 8 year old into bed and my tween came in and said:
 "Mom? There's a plant growing out of my sink."

OK, you don't hear that every day...

Yes. There is a plant growing out of your sink.

Apparently, the hamster food, which contains sunflower seeds, spilled into the drain and seed + water = plant.

I'm willing to wager that a more meticulous housekeeper might have noticed this development sooner.

So we named him "Sinky" and I thought it would be great fun to just let him live there until my 11-year-old suggested that roots and plumbing might not be the best combination.

R.I.P., Sinky......on the bright side, maybe I do have a green thumb after all.

Jim Beam Talkin' Smack

Oh snap.

I'm flipping through the latest Rolling Stone and come across THIS: 

Oh no they di'nt.

 You can imagine my outrage, as mojitos are my beverage of choice for the months of March-September.

BG's too:

Don't be hatin' on my mojitos, son.

Duly ruffled, I  go to Wikipedia do some extensive Lewis & Clark research and I see THIS: 

Really, Jim Beam? These are your bourbon-swiggin' bad asses? Turtleneck-boy and Froofy-scarf with the Donald Trump comb-over?

Jonas Brothers scarf-wearin' - Hair Club for Men-joinin'- puffy face water-retainin' fancyboys?

Also? I learned that the Lewis and Clark expedition (and I quote:) "was only the second 'official' transcontinental crossing of North America north of Mexico by a person not of the indigenous peoples of the Americas, having been preceded to the Pacific coast (on July 20, 1793) by a Canadian expedition led by explorer Sir Alexander Mackenzie."

In other words, the Indians had already done it, as well as a Cannuck named Mackenzie. Who was toting Molsons, no doubt.

Don't disrespect the mojito before you do your homework, Jim Beam: that's a lotta smack talkin' for a liquor that's the main ingredient in Mint Juleps.

Victory Is Mine, Dooce

So I was on blog vacation, drinking wine in my hotel room with my sister, and I got this email on my new christmas Blackberry from my BBFF McMommy :

"You're number 11 on MomDot's Top 50 Blogs of 2008 list!!!!"

And because I had almost finished the bottle and still am a spazzy ham-hands at the whole touch-screen thing, I could only type back "Wha?" 

Actually, I think I typed "Wgs?" first.

So the whole drive home on the Jersey Turnpike I'm singing the Will.i.am song "It's a New Day" but, you know, substituting images of me instead of Obama in my mental music video.

Get on the MomDot site and start perusing the other (awesome!) winners, starting with #50 and moving up. 

At #43 I stop dead in my tracks and my "might as well eat it now cuz we're so starting a diet on january 1st" donut falls out of my mouth.

#43 Dooce: (alexa: #33,761 technorati: #30) : I know, I’m getting a big roar of outrage for not having her number one, but the fact is, I love her, a million people love her, but a million hate her too. We pat her on her back for being able to do what so many want to do….and even if she is a sell out, we like her style of writing and interesting ways of bringing her posts to life. Trust me..she will never see this and if she did, im quite sure she doesn’t give a shit she isn’t number #1. I don’t sign her checks…federated media does. HA!

Holy crap. As you may know, Dooce has been my rival and nemesis for my entire blogging career. 

Granted, she doesn't know I exist, so the rivalry is not quite as acute on her end.

Nevertheless. She is #43. I am #11. On this list. 

There will be no need for a boob-off at Blogher '09.  My work is done.

Mwuahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ha.

Note to self: Find out what Spiderman did after he killed the Green Goblin.

New Year, New 'Keyword Korner'

There are 3 things you can count on in life.

Death, taxes and bizarre Google Analytics keyword searches.

(Google Analytics gives you detailed info on your blog traffic - most awesomely, words or phrases that people typed into Google, that landed them on your blog.)

As always, I did not make this stuff up: anyone who doubts its validity just email me and I'll give you my GA password.

And so I bring you: More bizarre phrases that landed inquiring minds on my blog:

"I'm lint"

Um, it's one thing to declare "I'm lint", but quite another to type it into the Google search box. Are you looking for other lint-humans?

"beta swilling chardonnay sue"

Well, the actual tagline is 'chardonnay swigging beta mom' but good job- it got you to my blog.

"cellulite illustration"

Seriously Google? Someone's typing 'cellulite illustration' and you direct them to me?

"don't get your dog trained by Ed Farley"

Roger that. Thank you.

"drill pregnan hole morn pee"

Um, I want to say that's disgusting, but I'm not sure it's English.

"expanding butt"

Hello? I know for a FACT that Rosie O'Donnell has a blog...why ME?

"Facebook moms who drink and swear"

Well.  Let's move on.

"google second hand cd of the applejacks"

Yes. I am THE source for second hand cd of the applejacks. But you don't have to type "google" into Google.

"lasagna boobs"

I just don't even know whether to be insulted or not. My boobs have never been compared to pasta.

"snip snip off with husband's nuts"

Whoa, girl. A vasectomy is one thing...but don't go all Lorena Bobbitt on his ass....

"top 10 clean magazine for house ladies"

OK. I see the "Learn English" audio tapes are going well. But before you launch your magazine empire, we house ladies prefer the term "Domestic Goddesses". And unless you've got Robert Pattinson vacuuming shirtless? The big money is not in cleaning magazines.

Google Analytics: let it write the post for you. :)

The Post About Not Posting

Here's the thing about me.

I'm not a stellar "multi-tasker".

People don't say "I don't know how she juggles it all" .

Throw me one extra ball to juggle and the show's over. Which is what happened this Christmas.

See, here was my juggling universe:

(can we pause here and marvel at my mad Photoshop skillz? Although my hands and feet are the size of a Yeti....)

Then, last April, the "BLOG" ball was added, and the people gasped and clapped and the village rejoiced, because Eureka! the balls were all still in the air.

Then December rolled around and it was like:

Hey! Miss Fancy-Blogger-Pants! Catch THIS!

And the balls came tumbling down, and the BLOG ball bounced down the basement steps into a pile of new puppy poo where it's been stuck since around December 23rd.

So, I'm wiping it off, sanitizing my hands and getting back in the game. Promise.

Right now, my husband is standing outside my office holding the "sex" ball looking like one of the children from the Sally Struthers commercials.

Best. Christmas Present. Ever.

I'm not really posting. I'm still on Blog Vacation.

But I just had to show you guys my favorite Christmas present I got:

Sweeeeeeet!!!!!!!!

Respect the Bumble.

Merry Christmas To All

To all my readers...my awesome commenters....

and my bloggy friends....

Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday

(click BG to shake the snowglobe & make a wish!)

Snow Globe Toy & MySpace Layouts at pYzam.com

I'll be back when the eggnog runs out. ;)

Jesus's Birthday

Well I got in a little hot water with Jesus regarding yesterday's post about the Duggars and their 18 kids who all start with the letter 'J'.

Apparently, it's not very "Christian" to "bust" on their "lameness". Or something.

Jesus: Why do they interest you so much?

Me: I don't know - it's just so freaky...it's like how George Foreman has 5 sons all named "George"...or how Jermaine Jackson named his son "Jermajesty". Which the Duggars should totally keep in mind, by the way, for Kid 19.

Jesus: In the spirit of Christmas, we should all be a little more generous of heart.

Me: Word. Hey- what's with the T-shirt? "It's About The Child in the Hay, Not the Man in the Sleigh"...?

Jesus: People sometimes forget it's my birthday.

Me: I didn't...do you want to go to Dave & Busters or something?

Jesus: No.

Me: Wellll......IF The Man in the Sleigh was going to get you something....what do you want for your birthday?

Jesus: Peace on earth. And a Snuggie.  And "That's What I Call Music 29".

Me: Done.

Programming note: Blogger is holding 40 comments hostage from yesterday cuz I turned on comment moderation and it's broken. Today's comments should be fine Soon as it's fixed, I'll post the hostages!

Procreation Run Amok

I really have no time to do a post today cuz I'm so behind in my Christmas shopping BUT. 

I was watching the Today Show this morning and those damn Duggars have popped out another kid, for a grand total of 18 children.

The poster below was done back when they had a cozy, manageable 14.

















The Dad's name is Jim-Bob (are you surprised, really?) and all the kids' names begin with "J".

Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger (stretching it there a bit), Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jeremiah, Jedidiah(?), Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer and Jordyn-Grace.

Both parents say they'd 'love to have more'.

I have some "J' words for you, Jim-Bob: Jam your Jaunty Jackrabbit Junk into a condom. Jesus.

Still More Words I Made Up

First, there was Words I Made Up .
Then, there was More Words I Made Up.
Followed by Even More Words I Made Up.

Apparently, I can't stop myself. So I give you:

snartle (snar'-tul) n. 

A sneeze/scream so loud and unexpected, it freaks out everyone in a 3-room radius.

porcupate (por'-cyu-pate) v. when your favorite down pillow starts a mutiny by sprouting prickers.

Mallzheimers (malz'-hime-erz) n.

Completely spacing on where you parked your car in the mall parking lot.

shorphan (shor'-fan) n.

The creepy solo shoe you sometimes see on the side of the road that begs the question 'wtf happened?'

spazz-lane (spaz'-lane) n.

That bumpy strip of pavement on the right side of the highway that shocks you into veering back into the center.

space-mugger (spays'-mugr) n.

The car that s-l-o-w-l-y follows behind you as you walk back to your car in the hopes that you are the current owner of the most superfantabulous parking space ever.

Jonas Emergency Meeting

Joe: Dudes. We are totally getting bitch-slapped by 'Twilight'.

Nick: I know - What the hell?

Kevin: They don't even wear scarves. Or ties. Or scarves with ties.

Joe: Our poster sales are down, CD sales are down, "Joe" T-shirts, "Nick" T-shirts....

Kevin: I never had a T-shirt.

Joe: It's friggin' Pattinson, man, he's taken all our fans.

Nick: DAMN it.

Kevin: Actually, there's more cute guys besides him.

Joe: Shut up, Kevin.

Kevin: I'm just saying...

Joe: you know what this means, right?

Nick: Write better songs?

Kevin: More Accessories, bolder colors.

Joe: No, you idiots. Lose the purity rings. This ship is goin' down. Somebody get me Lindsay Lohan's phone number.

How I'm Getting Michelle Obama to Read My Blog

I know.

I was a shocked as you guys that my post about how my boobs were bigger than Dooce's didn't catapult my blog to superstardom.

But check this out - I have a new plan that is so freaking brilliant I will be dazzling Matt Lauer with witty banter in no time.

So everybody knows that Twitter is a "social media" application where you basically share 1-2 sentence updates with your Twitter circle, whether it's 30 people or 1,000.

But the thing is, you know who your Twitter peeps are - you have a list of who you're following and who's following you.  So imagine my surprise the other day when I typed:

Bought "No-chew" spray and "No-poop" spray at Petsmart for Gigantic Puppy arriving tonite. Do I think I can just spray my way thru this????? 11:56 AM Dec 10th from twhirl

and an hour later I see this:

PetSmartTLC @HappyHourSue Congrats on your new puppy! Make sure to sign up for PetPerks to receive great deals and offers. 1:12 PM Dec 10th&nb